Hope

Is it wrong to hope you can salvage a true friendship from the ashes?
To hope they may still care a little?
Not as they once did but in a new different way.
Can we move on, to a caring. loving, deep friendship?

Is that all I want?
It is what I will settle for.

Over a lot

Over the SSDB
Over the only are nice when you think I am over you
Over trying to be nice, to be shit on
Over the bullshit
Over it

Epiphany

Epiphany -a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

You ever have that moment of total blinding clarity? Like being slapped in the face by a wet fish.

When you realise that someone is absolutely nothing like you thought they were, you see the true them. I am talking about the inner person, someone you thought you knew better then they did themself.
Someone who thinks they can go on taking you for granted no matter what, the clarity hits- if they think that, they don't care about you at all, did they ever? Or was it an easy option for them?
You wonder about all you did for them, now it is like it never existed, they got this far on their own. Ask, they will tell you.
You think about the hard work, the sacrifices, the support you gave. Funny how they can manage so well now, did they ever really need it or was it just easier for them?
Or have they found a new fool, one who I am sorry to say, may never realise the use to which she was put. May never realise that at times she is thought of with nothing but contempt.
Funny how they now seem to be able to afford so much, when before they could afford nothing.
They say that love is blind but sooner or later no matter how deeply you love, what you would be willing to forgive, you have that moment of stunning blinding clarity.
Love can only survive without nourishment for so long, even less when it is being starved.
You feel it withering and wish that some miracle could fix it but know that won't happen.
All you can do is put the years and the hurt and pain down to a very hard, bitter, lesson learnt.
They say the one you love the most, is the one who can inflict the worst possible pain.
Well, kudos to them for hurting more than anyone in my whole life.

So, you go on and take the lesson you have learnt and stay safe, never willing to risk such pain again, knowing no one else could cause it but still, no longer willing to take that risk. Rely on yourself, you won't let yourself down, if you never give your heart, it can't be trampled.

I am a rock, I am an island ..

I wish you well.

There comes a time when no matter how much you care for someone and how much you want to help them, you need to step back.
When you need to go into self-preservation mode and realise you can't save them from themselves, all you are doing is leaving yourself open for more pain. Realise they don't want you in their life, they just want you to want to be.
You see them becoming the opposite of what they were (or at least what you thought they were) and want to scream STOP what are you doing, turning into?
So you take a deep breath and try to understand, by making comparisons with the young high school boys here, knowing the age difference between the countries is huge. Make excuses for them, of well they missed out on a lot, so is doing/acting/living it now. Try not to condemn them for their actions.
All you are left with is hope, hope they will survive and grow and mature. Become the person you always thought they were, the person you loved. Wish them well and let them work through it on their own. Hope they stop mistaking someone showing an interest and thinking it must be love.
But you can no longer help them, not that they want your help anymore. You can no longer keep reaching out in friendship, only to be shot down for caring.
All you can do is tell them " fly far and free and may all of your wishes and dreams come true".


You will always hold a special place in my heart but I need to leave you there, tucked safely in a corner. I need to let you stuff up and fail and learn, all on your own. I need to back away and let you grow up and learn to do it on your own or face the consequences if you don't.

I need to learn how to put myself first and stop letting you hurt me over and over. I need to learn to not care.

So, Fly far and free <3

Admissions of the truth.

Why is it that we refuse to give in to the obvious?

Admit that no matter how much you want it and how hard you try, you can never fix it.
No matter what you would give or give up, you can't make someone feel what they don't.

You catch fleeting glimpses of what you want, but are they glimpses of now or echoes of the past?
Does everything that went before, truly have no meaning? Can love just be switched off? Or on?

If so, I wish someone would give me the user manual on how to do that.

Not sure how the new GF can hate me, she has it all. Or at least the fantasy of it.

The End Of The World As We Know It

Sad, really down. Finding it hard to even get out of bed.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I can vouch for that.
You give you life, your heart, your soul, to someone and then when it is gone, you have no reason to be. You are weighed down with responsibility and all you can think of is your loss.
You wonder if you ever really mattered, if it would make any difference if you simply ceased to be.
Maybe it would, maybe it would make a difference for the better.

You regret things you did, yet find out you were lied to, deceived far more than you ever realised.
Then you finally understand, you never really mattered at all. It didn't matter how much you loved, how much you gave, you never mattered, just what they got from you, what you did for them, that is all that was important.

And all that time they were lying to you too.

Stage Six

Buried up to my neck in shit, with people walking over me and no way out.