Hope

Is it wrong to hope you can salvage a true friendship from the ashes?
To hope they may still care a little?
Not as they once did but in a new different way.
Can we move on, to a caring. loving, deep friendship?

Is that all I want?
It is what I will settle for.

Over a lot

Over the SSDB
Over the only are nice when you think I am over you
Over trying to be nice, to be shit on
Over the bullshit
Over it

Epiphany

Epiphany -a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

You ever have that moment of total blinding clarity? Like being slapped in the face by a wet fish.

When you realise that someone is absolutely nothing like you thought they were, you see the true them. I am talking about the inner person, someone you thought you knew better then they did themself.
Someone who thinks they can go on taking you for granted no matter what, the clarity hits- if they think that, they don't care about you at all, did they ever? Or was it an easy option for them?
You wonder about all you did for them, now it is like it never existed, they got this far on their own. Ask, they will tell you.
You think about the hard work, the sacrifices, the support you gave. Funny how they can manage so well now, did they ever really need it or was it just easier for them?
Or have they found a new fool, one who I am sorry to say, may never realise the use to which she was put. May never realise that at times she is thought of with nothing but contempt.
Funny how they now seem to be able to afford so much, when before they could afford nothing.
They say that love is blind but sooner or later no matter how deeply you love, what you would be willing to forgive, you have that moment of stunning blinding clarity.
Love can only survive without nourishment for so long, even less when it is being starved.
You feel it withering and wish that some miracle could fix it but know that won't happen.
All you can do is put the years and the hurt and pain down to a very hard, bitter, lesson learnt.
They say the one you love the most, is the one who can inflict the worst possible pain.
Well, kudos to them for hurting more than anyone in my whole life.

So, you go on and take the lesson you have learnt and stay safe, never willing to risk such pain again, knowing no one else could cause it but still, no longer willing to take that risk. Rely on yourself, you won't let yourself down, if you never give your heart, it can't be trampled.

I am a rock, I am an island ..

I wish you well.

There comes a time when no matter how much you care for someone and how much you want to help them, you need to step back.
When you need to go into self-preservation mode and realise you can't save them from themselves, all you are doing is leaving yourself open for more pain. Realise they don't want you in their life, they just want you to want to be.
You see them becoming the opposite of what they were (or at least what you thought they were) and want to scream STOP what are you doing, turning into?
So you take a deep breath and try to understand, by making comparisons with the young high school boys here, knowing the age difference between the countries is huge. Make excuses for them, of well they missed out on a lot, so is doing/acting/living it now. Try not to condemn them for their actions.
All you are left with is hope, hope they will survive and grow and mature. Become the person you always thought they were, the person you loved. Wish them well and let them work through it on their own. Hope they stop mistaking someone showing an interest and thinking it must be love.
But you can no longer help them, not that they want your help anymore. You can no longer keep reaching out in friendship, only to be shot down for caring.
All you can do is tell them " fly far and free and may all of your wishes and dreams come true".


You will always hold a special place in my heart but I need to leave you there, tucked safely in a corner. I need to let you stuff up and fail and learn, all on your own. I need to back away and let you grow up and learn to do it on your own or face the consequences if you don't.

I need to learn how to put myself first and stop letting you hurt me over and over. I need to learn to not care.

So, Fly far and free <3

Admissions of the truth.

Why is it that we refuse to give in to the obvious?

Admit that no matter how much you want it and how hard you try, you can never fix it.
No matter what you would give or give up, you can't make someone feel what they don't.

You catch fleeting glimpses of what you want, but are they glimpses of now or echoes of the past?
Does everything that went before, truly have no meaning? Can love just be switched off? Or on?

If so, I wish someone would give me the user manual on how to do that.

Not sure how the new GF can hate me, she has it all. Or at least the fantasy of it.

The End Of The World As We Know It

Sad, really down. Finding it hard to even get out of bed.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I can vouch for that.
You give you life, your heart, your soul, to someone and then when it is gone, you have no reason to be. You are weighed down with responsibility and all you can think of is your loss.
You wonder if you ever really mattered, if it would make any difference if you simply ceased to be.
Maybe it would, maybe it would make a difference for the better.

You regret things you did, yet find out you were lied to, deceived far more than you ever realised.
Then you finally understand, you never really mattered at all. It didn't matter how much you loved, how much you gave, you never mattered, just what they got from you, what you did for them, that is all that was important.

And all that time they were lying to you too.

Stage Six

Buried up to my neck in shit, with people walking over me and no way out.

The Dawn

Sitting there watching the dawn, thinking of recent events. Pondering love and friendship. you think of going through a bad time, needing your friend, feeling worthless and them being aware of this.
Then as the sky starts to lighten, it dawns on you...
If a friend knows you need them to devote you a little time, to help you when troubled and they are too self absorbed, too self centered, too busy enjoying themself, to even spare you that.
Is it your worth you should question ..............

Or theirs?

Plain Bullshit

Why is a good day always followed by the realisation of how little you really mean? You listen to someone tell you that you do matter to them (all the while wondering if it is really true). Then the next day, it is proved you should not have let yourself believe.
Someone, who thinks you aren't down enough, wants to kick you and make you slip further.
If that's not bad enough, two people you love who profess to love you, fuck you over.
Well, I hope they are happy, because they have succeeded. I can't even wish them happiness, because knowing them both as well as I do, it won't lead to happiness.
But, maybe it is my misery that makes them happy. In that case, they have succeeded.
Well done! Enjoy!

Plain Insane

Really confused, right now.

Realisation

Sick of being a victim, sick of mixed messages. I am a strong woman and I need to remember that and take control of my life, instead of having it revolve around the whim of another. When it comes down to it, yes I hurt but you know what? It is his loss, because he will never find another like me. Only poor imitations, who may satisfy him for a short time. A short time isn't a lifetime. A short time is a mere blink and sooner or later he will realise what he lost.
I can't go on the way I have been, I am tough and have been acting like a damn sook. He needs strength, well unlucky cause he won't find it elsewhere. Might actually have to man up and be the strong one for a change, now that is a novelty that won't be enjoyed for long.
I wish him all the best, hope he finds happiness, not going to happen until he actually takes control of his life and stops relying on others.
To T, I know what you are capable of, you just need to actually do it and stop dreaming about it. You want it bad enough go out and get it and stop waiting for it to be handed to you.
Cause I'm over waiting, over mixed messages, over the waiting for you to actually decide.

Plain and simple.

Just plain sad, you ever been surrounded by people but feel all alone?
Stuff to take care of tomorrow, I think this will be my last time. Promises made before everything went down the drain should be declared null and void.
I wish ...well too late for wishes.
I need to find the courage to walk away and not look back, the only decent thing I can do. Just need to be brave enough to do it, still working on that.

Furious Rantings

Gotta love those who blame you for something they were hoping would happen. Who crucify you for lets be honest, one huge mistake. A mistake you made so as to not hurt them, yet they have fucked you over on numerous occasions, mainly for other women ..yet apparently that is okay.

Has to be okay I guess, not sure what I can do about it.

Enjoy and neither of you come crying, bitching, complaining or wanting any damn thing from me at all. Choices were made, live with them as i have to.

Insane Rambling

Do you ever feel yourself shrinking? Getting smaller and smaller inside, while you look the same on the outside. Where you can actually feel the emptiness that surrounds you. Like a beaten child, curling up tighter into a ball, hoping if he can make himself small enough, maybe it will all stop.
The moment of kindness, the stretched out hand, the pat on the head ..wanting to believe but all the while, waiting for the next blow to land.
No-one cares, those around you who know, say it will all be okay, or shrug it off. Or worse, make it even harder, by lying and telling you they have cut this person from their life. So they all become part of the problem, the pain, the doubts.
So in the end, all you have is you and you keep shrinking. Hoping one day, you will shrink so small that you will just vanish.

Melancholy Ramblings.

I'm moving soon, a new start, a fresh start, so I am told. Not sure how that can happen when my regrets, my doubts, my dark melancholy will come with me.
I am locked away, deep inside, where no-one can touch me. It's safe and warm here. Life goes on around me, not effecting me. Trouble is my strength is locked deep inside too. No matter how much I try to burrow down, further down, there is always one who can touch me, hurt me, with his indifference, his spite on the odd occasion he spares a little time for me.
Sometimes I want to beg him to spare a little kindness and other times I want to slap him and scream at him that I am the one that gave him back his life at the cost of my own. How could he show so much kindness to the one who came close to destroying him? Yet show none to me.
How can he be happy with any girl who shows a little interest and just move on and on?
I know I hurt him, I regret that more than he will ever know. Yet he seems to delight in hurting me. When asked he says he does want me in his life, no he doesn't want me to walk away. Is it just to make me suffer more? Is it until he feels strong enough to totally cut me from his life?
I need to focus, on anything. Try to block everything out, I can't my thoughts always turn to him. To the words he said and confirmed, even when I doubted. To the fact he said I ws his best friend no matter what.
To the belief that all I ever was, was the one that boosted him for a long time. That I was right when I questioned was it me he loved or how I made him feel about himself.
A lie can grow and take on a life of its own, until the walls of your life come crashing down. But, that's ok, you can use them to build a barricade to keep life out and your feelings locked deep inside. You can go through the motions of living, you can smile at the appropriate times and reply when people speak to you, without any of it touching you at all. You are safe, locked deep inside ..safe from all but him.