Melancholy Ramblings.

I'm moving soon, a new start, a fresh start, so I am told. Not sure how that can happen when my regrets, my doubts, my dark melancholy will come with me.
I am locked away, deep inside, where no-one can touch me. It's safe and warm here. Life goes on around me, not effecting me. Trouble is my strength is locked deep inside too. No matter how much I try to burrow down, further down, there is always one who can touch me, hurt me, with his indifference, his spite on the odd occasion he spares a little time for me.
Sometimes I want to beg him to spare a little kindness and other times I want to slap him and scream at him that I am the one that gave him back his life at the cost of my own. How could he show so much kindness to the one who came close to destroying him? Yet show none to me.
How can he be happy with any girl who shows a little interest and just move on and on?
I know I hurt him, I regret that more than he will ever know. Yet he seems to delight in hurting me. When asked he says he does want me in his life, no he doesn't want me to walk away. Is it just to make me suffer more? Is it until he feels strong enough to totally cut me from his life?
I need to focus, on anything. Try to block everything out, I can't my thoughts always turn to him. To the words he said and confirmed, even when I doubted. To the fact he said I ws his best friend no matter what.
To the belief that all I ever was, was the one that boosted him for a long time. That I was right when I questioned was it me he loved or how I made him feel about himself.
A lie can grow and take on a life of its own, until the walls of your life come crashing down. But, that's ok, you can use them to build a barricade to keep life out and your feelings locked deep inside. You can go through the motions of living, you can smile at the appropriate times and reply when people speak to you, without any of it touching you at all. You are safe, locked deep inside ..safe from all but him.