Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Dawn
Sitting there watching the dawn, thinking of recent events. Pondering love and friendship. you think of going through a bad time, needing your friend, feeling worthless and them being aware of this.
Then as the sky starts to lighten, it dawns on you...
If a friend knows you need them to devote you a little time, to help you when troubled and they are too self absorbed, too self centered, too busy enjoying themself, to even spare you that.
Is it your worth you should question ..............
Or theirs?
Then as the sky starts to lighten, it dawns on you...
If a friend knows you need them to devote you a little time, to help you when troubled and they are too self absorbed, too self centered, too busy enjoying themself, to even spare you that.
Is it your worth you should question ..............
Or theirs?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Plain Bullshit
Why is a good day always followed by the realisation of how little you really mean? You listen to someone tell you that you do matter to them (all the while wondering if it is really true). Then the next day, it is proved you should not have let yourself believe.
Someone, who thinks you aren't down enough, wants to kick you and make you slip further.
If that's not bad enough, two people you love who profess to love you, fuck you over.
Well, I hope they are happy, because they have succeeded. I can't even wish them happiness, because knowing them both as well as I do, it won't lead to happiness.
But, maybe it is my misery that makes them happy. In that case, they have succeeded.
Well done! Enjoy!
Someone, who thinks you aren't down enough, wants to kick you and make you slip further.
If that's not bad enough, two people you love who profess to love you, fuck you over.
Well, I hope they are happy, because they have succeeded. I can't even wish them happiness, because knowing them both as well as I do, it won't lead to happiness.
But, maybe it is my misery that makes them happy. In that case, they have succeeded.
Well done! Enjoy!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Realisation
Sick of being a victim, sick of mixed messages. I am a strong woman and I need to remember that and take control of my life, instead of having it revolve around the whim of another. When it comes down to it, yes I hurt but you know what? It is his loss, because he will never find another like me. Only poor imitations, who may satisfy him for a short time. A short time isn't a lifetime. A short time is a mere blink and sooner or later he will realise what he lost.
I can't go on the way I have been, I am tough and have been acting like a damn sook. He needs strength, well unlucky cause he won't find it elsewhere. Might actually have to man up and be the strong one for a change, now that is a novelty that won't be enjoyed for long.
I wish him all the best, hope he finds happiness, not going to happen until he actually takes control of his life and stops relying on others.
To T, I know what you are capable of, you just need to actually do it and stop dreaming about it. You want it bad enough go out and get it and stop waiting for it to be handed to you.
Cause I'm over waiting, over mixed messages, over the waiting for you to actually decide.
I can't go on the way I have been, I am tough and have been acting like a damn sook. He needs strength, well unlucky cause he won't find it elsewhere. Might actually have to man up and be the strong one for a change, now that is a novelty that won't be enjoyed for long.
I wish him all the best, hope he finds happiness, not going to happen until he actually takes control of his life and stops relying on others.
To T, I know what you are capable of, you just need to actually do it and stop dreaming about it. You want it bad enough go out and get it and stop waiting for it to be handed to you.
Cause I'm over waiting, over mixed messages, over the waiting for you to actually decide.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Plain and simple.
Just plain sad, you ever been surrounded by people but feel all alone?
Stuff to take care of tomorrow, I think this will be my last time. Promises made before everything went down the drain should be declared null and void.
I wish ...well too late for wishes.
I need to find the courage to walk away and not look back, the only decent thing I can do. Just need to be brave enough to do it, still working on that.
Stuff to take care of tomorrow, I think this will be my last time. Promises made before everything went down the drain should be declared null and void.
I wish ...well too late for wishes.
I need to find the courage to walk away and not look back, the only decent thing I can do. Just need to be brave enough to do it, still working on that.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Furious Rantings
Gotta love those who blame you for something they were hoping would happen. Who crucify you for lets be honest, one huge mistake. A mistake you made so as to not hurt them, yet they have fucked you over on numerous occasions, mainly for other women ..yet apparently that is okay.
Has to be okay I guess, not sure what I can do about it.
Enjoy and neither of you come crying, bitching, complaining or wanting any damn thing from me at all. Choices were made, live with them as i have to.
Has to be okay I guess, not sure what I can do about it.
Enjoy and neither of you come crying, bitching, complaining or wanting any damn thing from me at all. Choices were made, live with them as i have to.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Insane Rambling
Do you ever feel yourself shrinking? Getting smaller and smaller inside, while you look the same on the outside. Where you can actually feel the emptiness that surrounds you. Like a beaten child, curling up tighter into a ball, hoping if he can make himself small enough, maybe it will all stop.
The moment of kindness, the stretched out hand, the pat on the head ..wanting to believe but all the while, waiting for the next blow to land.
No-one cares, those around you who know, say it will all be okay, or shrug it off. Or worse, make it even harder, by lying and telling you they have cut this person from their life. So they all become part of the problem, the pain, the doubts.
So in the end, all you have is you and you keep shrinking. Hoping one day, you will shrink so small that you will just vanish.
The moment of kindness, the stretched out hand, the pat on the head ..wanting to believe but all the while, waiting for the next blow to land.
No-one cares, those around you who know, say it will all be okay, or shrug it off. Or worse, make it even harder, by lying and telling you they have cut this person from their life. So they all become part of the problem, the pain, the doubts.
So in the end, all you have is you and you keep shrinking. Hoping one day, you will shrink so small that you will just vanish.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Melancholy Ramblings.
I'm moving soon, a new start, a fresh start, so I am told. Not sure how that can happen when my regrets, my doubts, my dark melancholy will come with me.
I am locked away, deep inside, where no-one can touch me. It's safe and warm here. Life goes on around me, not effecting me. Trouble is my strength is locked deep inside too. No matter how much I try to burrow down, further down, there is always one who can touch me, hurt me, with his indifference, his spite on the odd occasion he spares a little time for me.
Sometimes I want to beg him to spare a little kindness and other times I want to slap him and scream at him that I am the one that gave him back his life at the cost of my own. How could he show so much kindness to the one who came close to destroying him? Yet show none to me.
How can he be happy with any girl who shows a little interest and just move on and on?
I know I hurt him, I regret that more than he will ever know. Yet he seems to delight in hurting me. When asked he says he does want me in his life, no he doesn't want me to walk away. Is it just to make me suffer more? Is it until he feels strong enough to totally cut me from his life?
I need to focus, on anything. Try to block everything out, I can't my thoughts always turn to him. To the words he said and confirmed, even when I doubted. To the fact he said I ws his best friend no matter what.
To the belief that all I ever was, was the one that boosted him for a long time. That I was right when I questioned was it me he loved or how I made him feel about himself.
A lie can grow and take on a life of its own, until the walls of your life come crashing down. But, that's ok, you can use them to build a barricade to keep life out and your feelings locked deep inside. You can go through the motions of living, you can smile at the appropriate times and reply when people speak to you, without any of it touching you at all. You are safe, locked deep inside ..safe from all but him.
I am locked away, deep inside, where no-one can touch me. It's safe and warm here. Life goes on around me, not effecting me. Trouble is my strength is locked deep inside too. No matter how much I try to burrow down, further down, there is always one who can touch me, hurt me, with his indifference, his spite on the odd occasion he spares a little time for me.
Sometimes I want to beg him to spare a little kindness and other times I want to slap him and scream at him that I am the one that gave him back his life at the cost of my own. How could he show so much kindness to the one who came close to destroying him? Yet show none to me.
How can he be happy with any girl who shows a little interest and just move on and on?
I know I hurt him, I regret that more than he will ever know. Yet he seems to delight in hurting me. When asked he says he does want me in his life, no he doesn't want me to walk away. Is it just to make me suffer more? Is it until he feels strong enough to totally cut me from his life?
I need to focus, on anything. Try to block everything out, I can't my thoughts always turn to him. To the words he said and confirmed, even when I doubted. To the fact he said I ws his best friend no matter what.
To the belief that all I ever was, was the one that boosted him for a long time. That I was right when I questioned was it me he loved or how I made him feel about himself.
A lie can grow and take on a life of its own, until the walls of your life come crashing down. But, that's ok, you can use them to build a barricade to keep life out and your feelings locked deep inside. You can go through the motions of living, you can smile at the appropriate times and reply when people speak to you, without any of it touching you at all. You are safe, locked deep inside ..safe from all but him.
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